i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize