My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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