We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
