when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
