i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
