Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
