Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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