Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
