If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
