when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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