Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
