what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
