I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
