My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
