im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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