it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
