Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
