Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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