If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize