Will you blow on my dice?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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