2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
