only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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