i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i now understand why vodka
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
