Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
