Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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