I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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