The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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