the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And then my night got REAL pukey
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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