i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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