i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
