it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
