so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize