can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
