I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
