I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize