Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
