i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
