All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
