So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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