at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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