Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize