so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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