They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
