Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
