So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
