Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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