i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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