One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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