I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize