Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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