so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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