ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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