Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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