by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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