My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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