Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
