he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
