Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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