He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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