xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
