neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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